Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Mommy Brain Dump

Today, I just feel like writing. My thoughts. My feelings. All about being a Mommy.

First, I have said it before and I'll say it until the day I die, I never knew my purpose in this world until I became a Mommy. I without a doubt was put here to be a Mommy. I am so thankful for my children. I am so thankful for the wonderful Daddy they have.

I often talk about all the goods in the life of being a Mommy. It's not all good and perfect and amazing. 99% of the time, yes it is, for me at least.

Since becoming a Mother I have struggled with a lot of anxiety. And I mean a lot. It finally got the point where I had to take myself to the doctor. I had an episode with dropping Drew off at school where I could not see him walk in the door. Before I pull off in the mornings I always make sure I see him go through the door. This specific morning I did not. I freaked out. Pain attack in the parking lot driving off. I text another Kindergarten teacher who I am friends with. He said he did not see him in the gym, but he was sure he is was fine. I was sick. I could not breathe. I wanted to turn around and find him. I emailed his teacher. She replied quickly saying he was just fine sitting in her classroom.

I knew the whole thing was ridiculous. The way I was acting was embarrassing for myself. It was at that point (and many other instances before that) that I KNEW I needed help. I could not live like this the rest of my life.

I 100% got a whole lot worse after I had kids. Especially after I had two kids. I made fun of myself a lot, but in reality it was a real problem that I had been struggling with and it was time to talk to someone.

Now after being to the doctor three different times since that instance I am sooo much better. Not all the way, but I can see a HUGE difference in the way I am and act. I do not want to be stereotyped as a "crazy person that is on medicine the rest of her life", but by gosh, that is who I am. I am not ashamed to admit it. I have anxiety. I am on my way to fixing it.

Justin and I talk very frequently about having another baby. After suffering a surprising miscarriage in August of last year, we knew we wanted another baby. After being put on this medicine though I asked the doctor if I could take it while I was pregnant. The most awful answer I could expect: "No." So we have put a major halt on talking about another baby. In fact, Justin talks about it more than me and I'm like "No! We are not having another one anytime soon." Hahaha.

I can not go back to that point in my life where I was in full anxiety/panic attack mode. I just can't.

Other things I struggle with as a Mommy is worrying way too much about what others think of my kids. Anytime we get together with family or friends I am always telling the kids to be on their best behavior. I do not want them to be the kids that act up or are in trouble. But I have to realize they are just kids. They are going to hit. They are going to push.  They are going to not share their toys. Getting in trouble for that and learning what is right and wrong is all part of learning and growing up. I have to remind myself that all kids do this.

Sometimes, I need to give them a little more credit and realize they are only 5 and 3. Especially Drew. I am so so so guilty of treating Drew older than what he is. Mostly because Dylan is the "baby" in the family. I find myself feeling so guilty for getting on to Drew about something that clearly a 5 year old does not understand.

As a Mommy, you need breaks. I agree to that. I am so envious of other Mother's who are okay with leaving their kids for more than two days at a time for a trip. I just can't, nor do I want to. (Not that I disagree with parents leaving their kids. Like I said, I am envious of them.) I would love nothing more for Justin and I to take a week away for a way overdue honeymoon or a week long trip with friends to Mexico. I want to spend every waking moment with with my kids though. My Mother tells me all the time that I need to let ago a little bit. They need their overnight stays with the grandparents. I want them to have that strong close relationship with them. But I also do not want to share them! Ha. That goes along with my anxiety though.

I love being a Mommy. I love the way the kids tell me they love me. I love their kisses and hugs. I love watching them do the things they love. I love sitting down and reading books and teaching them new things. I love it all.

I never knew I could love someone so much until I had Drew. I never knew I had enough love for yet another baby, Dylan. I never knew I would fall  more in love with them every single day of my life.

I swear, to all ya new Moms out there, you think you love your babies now. Wait until they get older. You just fall more and more in love. There are so many fun new stages. Drew is an awesome little stage right now where he is developing close friends. He has those friends over and goes to other friend's houses to stay. It is so sweet.

And Dylan...he is just in an ornery stage where he keeps me laughing daily.

And what would a great family be without a great Dad. Justin is an amazing father. He does things daily that drive me absolutely crazy, but he is just a wonderful Daddy. They boys love him with all their heart.

I want to be able to look back and reflect at where I was as a Mommy at this point in my blog aka diary is where I can do that. 

That's my Mommy brain dump for the day... :)

Brista Barrington


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