Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Baby #3?!

Justin and I get asked I feel like at least once a day if we are going to have another baby.

The answer varies. If you would have asked us last Winter the answer would have definitely been YES!

I feel like a lot of things have been happening recently to bring up what happened last August. August 26th date for some reason has been coming up a lot recently. Why? I have no idea. I can just be having a regular conversation with someone and that date will come up.

Why? You ask. That was the day Justin and I had a miscarriage.

It was completely devastating. I was shocked, confused, sad...all kinds of emotions. I mean, I had two babies already. Two babies without any kind of miscarriages before or in between. How could this happen? How could this happen to me?

It took awhile for me to tell anyone. I obviously called my Mom first thing. Scared to death. What just happened to me? I was an emotional wreck.

I would say "luckily, I did not even know I was pregnant," but I think all miscarriages you get the same kind of feeling. It's so hard no matter how far along you are. A baby is gone. Even though I did not know I was pregnant and it was so early, I still felt like a baby was taken away from me. It was. It was just taken away from me. How was I going to cope with that?

I still to this day have only told my close friends. It is nothing I like to talk about out loud really. I am usually: I can share everything with the world kinda girl, but this I felt so like "what did I do to make this happen?"

But recently I just feel like not only the date has came up in conversation but also miscarriages.

It is coming up upon a year now and I feel better talking about it.

It's devastating. I could never wish this upon any Mommy. But ya know what got honestly got me through it?! Knowing that HE has a plan. There is a reason we did not have a baby at that time.

God always has a plan. Funny how he works things out, huh?

So after suffering the miscarriage last Summer, there was no doubt about it, I wanted another baby and I wanted it right then. Of course after you have a miscarriage you have to wait. My Doctor told me I needed to have one menstrual cycle then we would be okay to get pregnant.

Here it is June 2013 and no baby. Why? Because I decided to get back on birth control.

Reality set in. Our house is not big enough. Do I really want to go back to the baby stage? I mean, after all my kids are independent now. They do not rely on me for every little thing anymore. Do we have enough money for me to take off the full 12 weeks of maternity leave? Lots of things went through my mind. So, right now the baby #3 answer is "NEVER SAY NEVER."

We are working on making house decision whether it be add on and remodel the one we have now or find some land to build on in a few years. There is no way we can fit three little munchkins in our house now. It is way too small.

I want to be able to give my kids everything. I want to still be able to do whatever we want to do without having to worry about money. I want to be able to pay for my kids college. I want to be able to get my kids cars when they turn 16. Do I really want to do that for 3 kids all so close in age together? I do not know.

Right now I feel so blessed to just have Drew and Dylan and if that is how it ends up, just a family a four, I am totally okay with that. I love being a boy mom. It is so so so fun.

But then on the other hand, I feel like our family is incomplete. I feel like I am meant to have another baby. I always said I did not want to have a baby past 30 since my pregnancies did not go very smooth, however, now that I am almost 30 I feel amazing and I'll tag on a few more years to decide...

Ya know the main thing I have learned about being a Mommy?! NEVER SAY NEVER!!!

Brista Barrington

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